Sexy Thoughts.

I wonder if anyone has thought about me sexually recently. I wonder if people wonder if people have thought about them sexually too. Man, I do it all the time. I have no shame. Quite a few friends have been annoyed by it actually when I tell them. I don’t see the issue. Not like I’m saying it publicly or jerking off in front of your face as I say it. I’m usually pretty blasé when I state it. Psht, if anyone told me I’d take it as a huge compliment. Then again I need to realise that my thoughts are not utilitarian just because I thought it. Plus it contradicts the aspect of utilitarian. If by some chance you have applied this to me, I don’t expect you to say anything and I don’t plan to coax it out of you. Mainly because you’d probably be like “urrrrh, this is a blogging site”. I rather it was told than forced.

Then again, I used to have a really bad habit of asking my friends a lot if they loved me and I was important to them. Not quite sex, but still. Relax, that aspect of me is pretty much non-existent now. I’m too busy reveling in my new-found self-respect and being Mr I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck. Don’t mistake that for me being a complete dick though, I respect those who respect me. That’s all there is to it. Too much maintenance trying to keep everyone happy at my own expense. It’s a much better approach to help others via helping myself, rather than making the previous mistake of validating my importance based on my worth to other people. That was the issue.

Anyway. Excuse me while I sexually think about people as a light form of procrastination, before I go to watch the final edition of The Hobbit.

I Got Liebe’d.

Well. Liebster. But liebe means “love” or “like” (can’t remember which one. GCSE German was a long time ago now) in German so I’ll convert the sentiment of being nominated for an award.

It’s been a while since I got one, and long term followers will most likely know how I roll, but for the new chums I need to fill them in.

I’m a rather anti-award person. I find it unnecessary in terms of me. Feel free to have it with yourself, I’ll always dig and be happy for you. But for my blog specifically, it doesn’t sit right with me. I dunno, I feel like having that sticker is some kind of confirmation for my blog when the only thing that should matter is if I like my blog. Course, I slate what I write a lot, but still. It’s my blog. Only I can take the piss out of it. Unless the post is really stupid, you know, something like “KILL ALL BROWN PEOPLE” or something.

That being said, while I’m anti-award. I’m definitely pro-people. So while I may not care for the award, I do care that Asariels Muse took the time to choose me and ask questions to know more. So I’ll happily do that part. I’m supposed to select a few blogs and ask them questions, but I overthink  and feel the favouritism is kinda messed up, so I just ask questions which, if any of you wish to answer, are more than welcome to. I’m a good question merchant.

Before I begin, do take the time to have a look at Asariels Muse’s blog. She’s like a modern Southern belle and everyone likes Southern belles. The writing is easy on the eyes and not very “BLARGH” like my one. Check it and dig it.

Anyway. I’ll do the questions asked of me, followed by my questions to ask you guys. Enjoy y’all.

1.) What is that last thing that made you laugh out loud?

This. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. I fucking love Maury. I wish Maury was in England.

2.) Sunrise or Sunset?

Sunset for sure. I like my sleep. I find sunsets to be more meaningful. I do like sunrises too, but out of these two there is no competition whatsoever!

3.) If we gathered our families together for a fun day out where would we go?

Probably to a racist rally. It’d be funny to see the racists get mindfucked by the fact we’re having a good time playing an intense game of Scrabble or some shit. Since it’s just me and my Mom, I think a nice dinner somewhere wouldn’t go amiss either. If we’re talking evening, maybe see some kind of comedy show. I’d have to request that you make no mention of my general debauchery. Though everyone knows what I’m like. They don’t knooooooooooooooooow. If they ask I’m super Muslim.

4.) Tell us about your socks.

A good 60% of them aren’t even mine. I’m not really ott on the “etiquette” of socks. I’m pro-odd socks. Not that I go out of my way to do so. As long as my feet are warm, I don’t care. Currently bare footed so I can’t describe what I have on at the minute. These stances are one of the many reasons I am labelled, “The Hobo”.

5.) What is the last dream you remember having?

Had a similar dream about my dad to the one I wrote about a few posts back. I can usually lucid dream, these ones I had no control over which was slightly annoying. Maybe there’s some hidden emotion behind my inability to do so, dunno.

6.) If you could be anywhere you wish to be this weekend, where would you be?

With my Texan friend who is living in Denver at the moment. I feel like she could do with the support for her stuff she’s going through.

7.) Link us to or insert a song you like.

I love all genres of music and I don’t say that lightly. Drum and bass has always been one of my favourite genres though ever since I was 13. I like music that focus less on the lyrics and does it’s best to create an image, though I have no real qualms with song lyrics. But with drum and bass, the music production is getting a lot more technical which I like. But what I love most about songs in general, is that if they can paint a story for me in which I have the control of how the plot goes. This is one such example. It can be classed as fight music, sexy grindy rave music and it even can be classed as something tribal. It’s great and subjective, but the guaranteed intention that every listener will feel regardless of whether they like it or not, is that this song is meant to energise.

If you’re wondering what this song makes me think of, it makes me think of Skynet. The human race is pretty much extinct and the Schwarzenegger edition Terminator is break-dancing in front of John Connor as a big F U towards the efforts of the human race. Connor is pissed, but can’t help but find himself impressed at the T-1000’s silky moves. No, I’m not high. God knows what would be going through my head if I was.

8.) What do you do for fun?

I like reading manga and anime. I follow and play a fair bit of football (soccer) and I really, really like annoying my closest friends. If I’m nice to you it means I do like you and stuff but I’m not entirely just there in comfortableness just yet. If I’m making sleazy remarks in your direction, man or woman, or doing something to piss you off (should be noted, I wouldn’t like punch you in the head or something. But if you needed something from me, I’d give it, but I’d make you work for it unnecessarily) then I really value you. I really enjoy underground raves, the more secluded and niche the type of music, the better. When I had a purple patch, casual sex was fun too. Truth be told, I haven’t had much fun in general lately, too swamped by real life and trying to get employed. Working on bringing the fun back once that’s out of the way though.

9.) A photo that feels like laughter.

This pic gets me every time. That face.

The struggle is real.

10.) Why did you choose your avatar?

A dear friend of mine did it as a side hobby, I’ll never get bored of that pic. It’s fantastic. It captures my generic broodiness superbly.

11.) Satin, Cotton or linen?

I don’t think I’ve ever wore satin. So, cotton. Safe bet. Can’t go wrong with cotton.

My questions to you all (should you wish to answer)

1- If you had to pick one, would you rather have (at the expense of sacrificing the other two options)

-Your age rewinded/forwarded to the age of 20, where you have sex with an attractive person based on your sexual preference every day as much as you want and you can keep going for as long as you want until you are 100 years old? But, every time you have sex, the person is the same age as you. From 20 years, you grow older normally again.

-Unlimited, luxurious food? But the more luxurious the dish, the longer you will have to wait before you can eat it again. The selected dish is unlimited for 24 prior to the temporary ban. E.g caviar after the 24 hours would take longer to “reset” compared to a packet of crisps. You do not have a superhuman stomach so your metabolism and risk of obesity remains the same.

-Unlimited Weed. You can’t sell it. You can smoke it with a maximum of two people. I won’t bother with any more forfeits on this one, smoking it and trying to be productive is forfeit enough.

2- You find out that your child that you raised for 20 years isn’t yours because the kid accidentally got put in the wrong cot from birth. There is no way to find your biological child and your current one has no idea of the information I just stated. What do you do?

3- If you could have a drug that you don’t usually have right now, what would it be and why?

4- A zombie has bitten your best friend. It’s only a matter of time before they turn. They ask you to kill them because they don’t want to be associated as a zombie. Do you do it? How? By the way, there’s no guns around.

5- Did you take any unorthodox approaches to dealing with a person who hurt you the most? Funny/crazy ones would be appreciated.

6- Do you have any regrets in your life that you wish you could change? It can range from missed opportunities to repentance.

Twitter… And How To Turn People Insane Using Only Your Blog.

Blogging is like Twitter. Cept there are no character limitations and people will give a shit what you talk about. I mean, aside from the positive intention to read your blog, say you fell out with someone who knew of your blogs existence, and applied that scenario to Twitter. I’m pretty confident no one is going to stalk your tweets thinking, “I MUST KNOW WHAT THEIR STANCE ON MARMITE IS. HM. THEY DO NOT LIKE IT. WHAT ABOUT THEIR STANCE ON THE WEATHER? HMM. IT’S RAINY. MAYBE THAT’S A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE STATEMENT AT ME EVEN THOUGH IT IS CLEARLY RAINING”, in comparison to falling out with someone and they check your blog every waking second to analyse your every post and every word and see if it’s attributed to them. That’s happened to me, I’ve done it and I know people it has happened to. I wouldn’t be surprised if a fair few of you can relate on that front actually.

In conclusion, Twitter sucks. And if you feel like you opening up to someone has backfired in your face for them being a insensitive shit. Just start a blog and make sure your prose and vocab game is on point. They’ll get hooked and even if they don’t get reduced to a blubbering mess straightaway, they’ll be stuck in an infinite loop of what your next post will be and eventually crack and will crave you to acknowledge them once more.

Just to clarify, I’m not bitching about anyone on my part, honest. I prefer the confrontational approach anyway. I like to think of my life as one big film, it’s rarely been normal.

P.S Marmite is shit. Ey, more for you so no need to give me those looks.

The Heir.

In case you were wondering, that’s me. Not that I am royalty. But I am of high social standing in Bangladesh and am technically a millionaire there. But, everyone can be a millionaire in Bangladesh if they wanted to so I guess that doesn’t mean shit. Whatever, I just wanted to peak your interest enough to click which I’m assuming you fell for if you did. HA, you gotta put up with more of my bullshit.

Back to the point, I had a dream about my dad today. For those who don’t know the backstory. He died when I was 3, I was sporadically fazed by that growing up, but nothing that made me dwell on him for years. Months at worst. Don’t really know or remember him, but allegedly was a pretty bad guy on all accounts to pretty much everyone, bar me. He loved me. Anyway. I don’t really want to go into the dream, but he was the focal point and it was pretty scary yada yada yada. What I do want to focus on, is what happened when I told my mom about it. We have a very strong relationship, but I never confide in her. She’s too “mommy”. By that I mean she cares, but can’t offer some kind of physical solution I want, which leads to me being blase, which leads to her crying out of worry. She possesses a wonderful soul, that woman.

What was particularly freaky when I told her about my dream, is that she texted back saying she dreamed of him too last night. He was painting the house according to her. That’s it. Weirdness of dreaming about dad at the same aside, I found it confusing that he loved me, but treated her like shit, yet, I’m the one with the messed up dream and she’s the one with the seemingly “happy family”-esque imagery. She did say she forgave him after everything and prays for him and stuff, though they never were in love to begin with. Arranged marriage. Like I said, she has a wonderful soul. Considering that it bugged me that I’d never really truly know the truth of everything that happened, I decided to ask her if I could go visit his grave. I knew she’d be cool with it, but she raised me to be respectful. (Yes, sex crazed sleaze and respectful can go hand in hand believe it or not. I make it work.)

She says that she thinks he’s buried in Bangladesh. Well. Fuck me. Considering I was born in Wales, the fact my dad’s side flew him over to Bangladesh was a bit extreme. The dude was an 90’s coconut from what I gathered. Now, I don’t expect my mom to lie to me about this, but I feel the need for it to be confirmed for the sake of it, cuz that’s me. Getting information from both sides is a trait I try to follow a lot.

So, easy solution would be to ask my dad’s side, right? Well, yeah it would be, if… I still talked to them. They’ve tried to contact me a few times, but they’ve been painted to me as evil when I was a kid so I’d naturally believe that, and in my teens I fucking hated everyone anyway, so they failed there too and now I’m ready to face them. ‘Cept I know they’ll do the “loooooveeeeeeee usss” thing again, which they’ve done before and tried to stir up a wedge between other family members on my mother’s side which I don’t like. I just want my info and I wanna go. Then again it’s not really gonna happen if they’re seeing wonderful old me after 20+ years.

It’d be nice to go back to Wales too. Where it all began. I’d have to keep it secret from my mom though, I asked her this years ago and she said never to tell her if I did, but to promise that I’d never leave, which I did. No idea if she still believes in that, but I’m gonna say yes. I’d have to make a conscious decision not to look at any Asian women if I do go to Wales to meet them just out of the sheer fear that I might just be related to them. Sure, it’s a small chance, but considering the story I just told you, it’s a huge risk in my eyes.

Am I doing the right thing? Is it better for stuff to be left alone? I can guarantee that I won’t feel anything, in terms of being overwhelmed anyway. The rationality and badassery will emanate from me.

I’ll send them an email and see where it takes me at the end of today, or not, depending on what you people suggest… If anyone DOES suggest.

Caravan Palace- Clash.

I got introduced to Electro Swing today. Fuck me, my mind is blown. Where has this artist(s)/genre of music been all my life? It’s one of those few songs where it caters for everyone. Dare you not to bop, you can’t even nod your head. But you will though. It’s such a happy song. I’d like to think it would raise even the shittiest of bad mornings you might be having. Besides the image of having robots swing dancing is a pleasant one and I’m gonna be entirely sober for the next 7 days.

Odesza- Always This Late.| Weekly Recap.

So, to recap my first week of trying to personally see myself as a badass again, it’s been a pretty good week. If you recall previous posts, I’m undertaking a scheduled personal challenge which is basically a journey of self appreciation and trying to be an OG. This week wasn’t perfect, which I’d obviously prefer it to be, but better than I expected. I’d say these are my ratings on certain topics as follows.

Work- 7/10.

I’m definitely better doing shit, but the introductory procrastination needs to be severely hampered by the end of week two.

Mood- 8.5/10

Biggest improvement and frankly the most surprising one. Been more hermit like, but for once I wanted to be alone on my terms, rather than being sad that no one was around and it’s actually worked out pretty well.

Sociability- 8/10

I temporarily cut off a few people in my life. All of which were ridiculously close. I told them straight up which I believed was the best approach to take. Didn’t tell them why I needed a hiatus, but I stressed to them when I returned they would know why I did what I did and that none of it was their fault. It was just something I had to do, for both our sakes. That being said, I’ve been chilling with people that I might have subconsciously taken for granted, who have shown me more affection than I have them. Can’t be hypocritical. Plus it’s nice to see them smile from my honest feelings towards them. Just to clarify I’m not the ‘it’ guy in friendship circles, I’m just known. Probably ‘cuz I’m strange to most people.

Cutting down on stupid shit- 5/10

I originally planned to not smoke weed for a week until I did my personal tasks. But because I was on a good run on day five, I ended up chonging like a mother fucker. Must try harder. I’m trying to train myself to work and get high. I can’t work and get high. My best friend can. I fucking hate her for it. The more tasks I complete on an overall weekly basis, I get to cut the day back by one. If I fuck up, I add a day on. So next time I can get high is 8 days from now. Man… that seems so long.

Overall: 28.5/40

Not bad for a first week. I was aiming for around at least the 20-25 mark. Not a shabby start at all.

Anyway, it brings me on to the song of the day. Normally I’d bring out the wild drum and bass as usual, but I’m feeling something a little more chilled. They’re a wonderful little group called Odesza. Check our their stuff, it’s super dope. This track compliments my mood in its entirety. Long may it continue.

The Most Horrific Mental Image Ever. EVER.

We all love a bit of clickbait, don’t we?

For those of you who know my real identity via social media, or at least if you’re a dedicated follower, I believe you’ll think it’s fair if I declare that I’m a bit of an eccentric. I’ve wrote about the dark side of my mind and how it’s made me feel. I’ve pledged to stop that on this blog (for now at least) and write somewhere else for me to later demolish as a ritual. I’ve wrote about what I personally believe to be the more positively inquisitive side of my mind, hopefully making you join in the weird journey with me.

But, my mind also has a tendency to think of ridiculously gruesome things out of nowhere. Like there’s a mischievous imp who’d ridiculously good at sniping and just shot a bullet containing Chemical “OFN” (Oh Fuck No) straight into my cranium. And this isn’t the gruesome kind of mutilated corpses gruesome. It’s not even bloody in any way. It’s a mental thought which will get you right in the fucking feels.

Anyway. Because of this. I’ve added a “read more” tab, which I don’t usually do for my posts. Mainly because it annoys me when other blogs do it. I JUST WANT TO READ YOUR POST, WHY MUST I CLICK TWICE AND WAIT ANOTHER AGONISING 2-5 SECONDS?

Seb, you’re going off on a tangent agaaaaain….

Anyway. I added the “read more” tab to save the mental horror which is almost guaranteed to befall you. I may be overhyping this. I don’t think I am. I’m creeped out. And I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my time. Anyway. If you don’t think you can stomach what lies ahead, feel free to back out. If you want to be reduced to a babbling piece of excrement, sucking your thumb in the corner, feel free to read on. It’s only gonna be a few lines worth of me saying something. I’ll let your mind do the rest. If you’re feeling brave, go ahead. See you on the other side. I’ll visit you at your funeral.