I met one of my mother’s bffl’s sons today. It was overdue for many years. Very cool guy and slightly disappointed not to have met his brother on the same day. The brother is 26 and he’s 24, bonded through usual dude stuff.

I also realised I make friends by coming across as a fucking cool guy, before they realise I’m not, but by then it’s too late and they’re stuck with me forever.


Judge Dread.

Guess who got randomly selected to do jury service? Yup.

Well this isn’t going to fuck up the whole justice/moral ethical issue I’m going through.

On the plus side, at least I have every reason to quote Law and Order SVU before going to play the theme tune from my phone and pretending I’m Ice T.

Make sure you enter this with a neutral and open mind, Seb. Don’t get drunk on power and attempt to influence everyone to your way of thinking unless it’s justified. Save your corruption for your life. You’re nowhere near rich or powerful enough to fuck around with other people’s lives just yet. Just hold out and do this properly, then go loco. Or be good again, up to you. Just don’t fuck it up and make sure you take this seriously even if no one will. It’s justice. Deal it. 

And now this just popped in my head.

Ah fuck, you’re doing the uncool thing again. Rein it back man, rein it back.

…Technically, I am Justice though.


Wanna see the last time I was properly pure and innocent and loving everyone and having hopes for the world and holding a general adoration of life? Here you go.

imageIt’s been fucking ages since the last time I smiled like that. I mean, I still smile and all that shit, some faked, some forced and some genuine. But that smile is a smile of a dude who felt that everything was perfect.

I wonder if I could pull it off now?


No, I just look creepy.

I’ve been told I have a nice smile on occasions, but they only appear because of how I feel towards someone or something. It’d be dope to smile and make it blatantly obvious that I have everything I ever want and need and I feel like a boss. That’s a goal to achieve if I ever saw one, to have an obvious smile that wouldn’t make another feel like it was disguised or forced or anything. They knew whussup when they saw the smile. That kinda vibe.


A friend of mine invited me to go to see Bonobo with him and his pals next Saturday. I don’t think he realised just how much of a struggle he suddenly made that for me.

Long story short, shit happened the last time I went to see Bonobo in Nottingham a few years ago and bumped into someone very close to me with all its complications. Just a very surreal evening. Chances of that happening again are zero since it’s based at home, aside from geographical and general distance and it’s a new chapter and all that, but still. It gave me a lot of memories of that night when he invited me

Do I go or turn it down? I’m well aware it’s a pretty silly thing to take into consideration for a gig. And BONOBO IS FRICKIN’ AWESOME, regardless of it being a DJ set.

But, I don’t want to go there, trip my balls on drugs and spend the night just moping about the past experiences, ya know?

Or do I see this as a new wave and that I should ride it?

We Dunt Nid No Edukayshun.

Got a request to do another questiony thing. Ya know how it is.

This idiot tagged me in it. I can’t say no to a pretty face. Even if she is an idiot. I don’t know why she is an idiot, but she is.

Her blog:

It seems to be about school and shit. Ah. School. Gad times. Gad is another thing I’m bringing in to my vocab, means good and bad. It won’t catch on, except with me. Which is what truly matters.

1. What was your favourite subject in school?

English. Best subject to get lost in my own imagination in. It would have been art, but I fucking suck balls at putting my images onto paper. Biology sex lessons were pretty great as well. Laughing at pages 77-78 because it had naked cartoon drawings and it was fun accusing someone of jacking off to it and their faces getting ridiculously flustered over it. Before the generic, “Nah, if I wanted vagina I’d just go get girls” which was clearly a lie because we are all fucking 12 years of age. But still, understandable now that I look back on it, it’s about having to stand your ground as a man, no matter how much bullshit you had to put into it. I went to an all boys grammar school. Wasn’t all that before you say anything.

2. What was your least favorite subject in school?

Maths fucked me off. I am awesome at letters/words and pretty decent at mental arithmetic. In terms of everyday life, my maths is pretty good. But if you put letters and numbers together and throw algebra and x’s and y’s and all that shit….nah. Just nah. Physics and Chemistry would have fit into this bracket if the fucking practical lessons weren’t so FUCKING DOPE. Oooh crocodile clips for wires? HOW ABOUT FUCKING USING THEM AS HAIR ACCESSORIES INSTEAD? Plus it was always fun putting them on tired students like some fucked up Buckaroo. Obviously you don’t put it on their skin, otherwise you kinda lose the game almost instantaneously. But yeah, fuck Maths. Bar one teacher, I hated them all in my school.

3. How many detentions did you get?

More than I thought I deserved. For some reason I was a bit of a troublemaker in some teachers eyes. To this day I have no idea why. I was under threat of being expelled for good at one point, had the talk from my form tutor that my behaviour was terrible and that “I knew what I was doing and it had to change”. Seriously. I REALLY don’t know what I did. I carried on acting the same in my eyes, and then I was taken off “Defcon 4″. He actually called it that. Strange. I’d say my most worst trait in school which warranted punishment, was being too blasé about education. But even then, I just had fun. I wasn’t no more a disruption than the next student. Maybe it was because I was making the most of school too much on a social basis.

4. Were you a class rebel or a teacher’s pet?

Ha! Well, I guess class rebel, but read above. I did what I wanted, but not within fucked up territory. I was just very “ok, I know we have an exam in a week, but how was your day?” I had this “oooo” period in school as I was one of the first known people to start smoking/get high. Which in retrospect makes sense, but even then. I was more hippie than “Yea yea, I rule deese streets now motherfucker”.

5. What was your favourite year in school?

Oooh. Year 8. So when I was 13/14. We had a reputation in that school. It was a newly assembled class of various groups of students from the year before, and I had a handful of the same students in my class last year so it still felt pretty new. Our main teacher was on maternity leave. So all we had were temp and supply teachers. I think we had aboooooout…..5? They all left. We were fucking hardcore. Did what we wanted. Made an old lady cry multiple times. She had the last laugh though. As she left she brought us all sweets though we were utter assholes. Maaaaaaaan, that made us feel bad….for like a week. Then the new meat came in and they left too. One of them almost got into a fight with one of the wimpiest kids in school. Even he got his two cents as a troublemaker. We were based in this outdoor mobile room thing. And there were two rooms with us in one of them, and coincidentally the other classroom had most of the smart ass people there. I have no idea how it happened, but one of the students in my class managed to break, yes, BREAK down the wall joining our class. It was flimsy metal, but considering his size it was pretty impressive. Waved hello to the next door classmates, teacher had a look of mindfuckedness before exploding in a rage and coming to our classroom (unfortunately not through the gap created) and in all of that someone cut the wires to the projector. Don’t get me wrong, looking back on it now I know it was terrible and all that. But at the time? So. Much. Fun.

6. What was your least favourite year in school?

Year 9, so basically the year after. The main teacher we had arrived back from maternity leave. We tried our luck as we were feeling pretty arrogant to do shit our way. But she shut that down. Hard. Felt like being in jail. But that being said, what was more impressive was that she actually gained our respect and we wanted to learn from her. We were still fucking around, but whenever we had her for lessons or form period, we sat the fuck down and did what she wanted.

7. Who was your first friend in school?

I’m gonna go with primary school on this one. It was a group of boys actually. We’re still hanging out now regularly. We’re a group of 5. We aren’t TIGHT, but we are pretty tight. We all got our own shit to do, but we’ll always make time for each other. But they don’t know all my shit and I don’t know all of theirs. I think it’s down to me though. They’re homeboysy, and I’m more “Oh wow, he has white and black friends. That’s so strange.” Not that they have anything against those kinda folk, I live in the modern equivalent of the ghetto, so brown folk stick with brown, black with black etc.

8. Your most vivid school memory?

This girl I crushed on in reception/kindergarten. My first ever girlfriend technically. Snuck a few kisses on the cheek in the doll house.Pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before in a post many moons ago. PUH-LAYAAAAAAAA.

9. Who was your favourite teacher in school?

My year 4 primary school teacher. I haven’t seen him in over a decade. Strangely enough he’s a family pal of one of my secondary school friends. Small world eh?

10. Who was your least favourite teacher in school?

Whew, where do I begin? This duo of English teachers in year 9. They had the whole “fuck men” vibe about them. I don’t blame them, they looked like ogres. I skipped a lot of their classes, I was too good for them. They knew it. They refused to accept it. Predicted that I’d get super low grades for A-Level, but shut them up. Unfortunately I was 6 marks off an A, so I couldn’t fully revel in it. They predicted that I would get a D. That’s just insulting to be honest. Another was my Media teacher for A-Levels. The task was to make a short video about anything we wanted provided it was done artfully. He had limited cameras to give out and because I wanted to work alone and not in pairs, I was kept waiting. I was promised and he DECLARED this to the whole class that I would get an extension. A week left of the project (yearly time limit by the way) one group finishes with the camera and I can finally start recording. What happens? After I ask how much of an extension I get, he responds, “what extension?”. Pissed of and shocked couldn’t describe what I felt. I handed in a bullshit piece of video when I had literally THE GREATEST PERFUME AD EVER planned, but due to no extension, it was shit, made worse by a friend who said he’d spruce it up. It was like twenty seconds of recording. I didn’t turn up to the class when he played it and had the audacity to call my video “an abortion”. That doesn’t make sense you fucking retard. If anyone shoved a clamp up my metaphorical vagina, it was you, you shithead. I’m still bitter, won’t deny. Media/Directing was something I wanted to go into, and my shit grades due to him effectively fucked my chances up. I would actually hit him if I saw him. I don’t hold grudges often, but him….he’s a special exception.

11. Did you ever skip class?

Yeah. Loads. Girls. Smoking. Football. Because it was boring. Stoned. Food. All legit reasons for lessons I knew I wouldn’t miss out on. I swear, I wasn’t a rebel. Genuinely mean that. It just comes across that way.

12. What’s the biggest fad you had in school? 

Oh man. Yu-Gi-Oh cards in secondary school hands down. I made such a great profit off of that. I had this insane luck of finding amazing cards. I just sold them off. I’d say I maaaaaaddde…..about £500 altogether? Add that to the old days of getting EMA (think of weekly school allowance by the government) which was £20 a week, therefore, BALLIIIIINNNN’.

Hopefully it makes more sense why I skipped classes.

13. Worst teacher joke ever?

I can’t remember any. They must have been all pretty shit.