So it’s what, about 2 hours as I type this before it’s officially 3 months since I eventually decided to walk away from you. It hasn’t been easy, but I’d be lying if I said it was as ridiculously difficult as the first time. I dunno, it’s just strange. While the emotional difficulty wasn’t at the same psychotic breakdown level like the first time, it was still pretty hard. I couldn’t really talk about missing you much to my friends, because as you already know, pretty much all of them hate you. Then again I wouldn’t be surprised if it was vice versa. Plus, I think they were bored of hearing of you, since it was constant back then; the good, bad and nostalgic. I moped to Blue a few times, but ultimately it’s something I had to keep to myself rather than vent about. Who’s Blue? You know of her, old friend. One I had an intense thingy with and kinda have a more intense weird thingy with again. Me and her have a mutual best friend. Yeeeep, that’s the one.
It’s weird. But if anything, I’d rather deal with this myself than the first time, which people tried in vain to sort out, but that’s whatever.
I’ve been to a couple of parties/raves and had a few ridiculous highs. So naturally I did the whole soppy thing to everyone I loved and how they’re dope and shit on whatsapp. Lo and behold, I find myself looking for your number before I realise what’s up and that I ended things, as well as deleting your number. So obviously, like the sappy dog I am, I stroll up on Facebook thinking that messaging you was a good idea of being ridiculously apologetic and that I’m an ass and you’d eventually understand why. But then the whole profile pic comes up and it’s you and the berf (boyfriend. berf=bf, recent thing I started) looking all wonderfully happy and shit. And lemme tell you, it was a fucking weird ass feeling. Probably due to the MD, but whatever. I dunno, it was this weird kind of like an inner “awwwwh” and a bit of, “Shit. He’s actually kinda hot.”, but surprising for me because it wasn’t said out of jealousy. Now when I noted that, my mind was fucking blown lemme tell ya. And it was at that moment I knew messaging you was dumb. So in my ridiculously buzzin’ state, I managed to back out and put my phone in my pocket, telling myself that no one would benefit from that outpour, if I did do it. There wasn’t any point. Whether you verified that you either missed, hated, or didn’t care about me would serve no purpose. I left because I was finding it harder to not be toxic, in my head, my rationality was gonna dissolve at some point via me losing my head over some mundane shit ‘cuz it was all pent up. In my head, doing this was the right thing if you were gonna be happy in that department. I’d have either attempted to cock block or silently hate you from afar. Didn’t wanna be that guy. So I did what I did. It only adds to the fact that seeing your profile picture (can’t believe I’m stalking people on Facebook) made me happy, if memory serves you both said the “In L” phrase so with my sick Columbo skills it seems to be going strong. Great! I don’t think I could have that same mindset if I was still around you. I did try to keep it under control, but you know my limits are pretty big, so hopefully you understood. Then again, you don’t need to. You’re perfectly entitled to think whatever as this was my deal.
That being said, from the sounds of things so far, I did good. You got your berf and from my memory he’s pretty dedicated so that works for me fine. Fucked up as it may sound, that’s helping me too. Wasn’t intentionally seeking that, but it does. I might not be around anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t give a shit. Well, I won’t give a shit about any negative feelings involving you. I’m on my way to eradicating them eventually, whenever that is. But I’m saying you won’t be like, I dunno, forgotten. You’ll be mentioned at some point for whatever reason in terms of big ass life experiences, so, ya know. Whatever. I told myself this wouldn’t be a pretend conversation of anything emotionally wordy and all that shit. Even if we had this conversation you’d get the theme of it all anyway, you were good at that.
But yeah, it’s cool to see you doing your thing. Keep going. I’m glad I could say all that and mean it for once. I’d rather be here and be happy for you than be near you and ending up hating you/each other. That’s it to be honest.
……Sigh. I enjoyed writing that, weird amount of closure talking to an astral projection version of an ex-best friend. Well, technically she’s still my best friend. I’m just probably never speaking to her again. All subjective ennit.